Why Do I Understand Myself But Still Feel Stuck?
You can understand yourself incredibly well and still find yourself overthinking, repeating the same patterns or reacting in ways you don't fully understand.
Knowing why isn't always the same as feeling differently
You may already understand a lot about yourself.
You might know where some of your patterns come from, recognise when you're overthinking, or even be able to explain why certain relationships or situations affect you so strongly.
And yet, knowing all of this doesn't necessarily stop it happening.
You may still replay conversations, question your decisions, react more strongly than you would like, or find yourself falling into familiar patterns in relationships.
Sometimes the frustrating part is that you can see what you're doing while still feeling unable to do anything differently. This is because understanding something intellectually and experiencing it emotionally aren't always the same thing.
Rather than simply knowing why something happens, therapy can give us space to explore what is happening for you when it does.
Why can I understand myself and still feel stuck?
Understanding yourself can be an important part of therapy, but insight on its own doesn’t always change how you feel or respond.
You might know, for example, that you tend to overthink when you feel uncertain, seek reassurance when you’re anxious, avoid conflict or put other people’s needs before your own. You may even understand where some of these patterns began. And yet, when something happens that touches a familiar nerve, you can find yourself responding in much the same way.
This is because not everything we learn about ourselves sits at the level of conscious thought. Some ways of responding become deeply familiar over time. They may have developed through earlier experiences, relationships, or as ways of coping with feelings that were difficult to manage at the time.
Rather than seeing these responses as something that needs to be fixed or got rid of, I think it can be helpful to become curious about them. What happens just before you start overthinking? What might reassurance give you in that moment? What makes saying no feel so difficult? What are you afraid might happen if you respond differently?
Sometimes our bodies are part of this too. We might notice tightness in the chest, butterflies in the stomach, restlessness or an urge to withdraw, fix something or seek reassurance before we have consciously understood what has been stirred up.
So although one part of you may know, logically, that you are safe, that you don’t need to please everyone, or that you can cope with uncertainty, another part of you may still respond as though something important is at stake.
Therapy gives us the opportunity to become curious about that gap, not only asking “Why do I keep doing this?” but beginning to explore “What might this response be doing for me, and why might it make sense?”
You might recognise some of these experiences:
Overthinking and going round in circles
Replaying conversations afterwards
Knowing your patterns but repeating them
Feeling stuck despite being self-aware
Questioning your decisions
Struggling to trust yourself
Feeling disconnected from yourself
Relationship patterns that keep repeating
Reacting more strongly than you expect
People-pleasing or putting others first
Finding it difficult to express what you need
Worrying about what other people think
Feeling uncertain about who you are or what you want
Life changes that leave you questioning what comes next
WHY DO I KEEP REPEATING THE SAME PATTERNS?
We don’t usually develop ways of thinking, feeling or relating for no reason. Often they have made sense somewhere along the way.
Our early experiences and relationships can influence what we come to expect from other people and from ourselves. We may learn to keep the peace, look after other people’s feelings, stay in control, avoid conflict or keep difficult feelings to ourselves. Sometimes these ways of coping become so familiar that we barely notice them.
As adults, we can find ourselves responding in similar ways even when our circumstances have changed. You might know that you don’t need someone else’s approval, yet still feel unsettled when you don’t have it. You might want to say no but find yourself saying yes.
You may long for closeness while another part of you wants to pull away, or find yourself going over a conversation again and again trying to work out what someone really meant.
This doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with the way you are responding. I’m more interested in understanding why that response might be there.
Perhaps overthinking gives you a temporary sense of control when something feels uncertain. Reassurance may help settle a fear of getting something wrong or losing connection with someone. Putting other people first may have become so familiar that noticing what you need can feel surprisingly difficult.
Sometimes what we need isn’t more advice or another explanation. You may already have read about attachment, anxiety, relationships or childhood experiences and understand yourself very well.
Therapy can offer something different: the space to notice these patterns as they are happening, explore what sits beneath them and begin to understand not only where they may have come from, but what they might still be doing for you now.
From there, change becomes less about forcing yourself to behave differently and more about having greater awareness and choice in how you respond.
CAN COUNSELLING HELP ME FEEL LESS STUCK?
Counselling isn’t about me telling you what you should do or finding a single explanation for why you feel the way you do.
Instead, we can slow things down and become curious about what is happening for you. We might notice the thoughts that appear when something feels difficult, the feelings underneath them, what you experience in your body, or what happens in your relationships when you feel uncertain, hurt or misunderstood.
Sometimes we may explore whether something happening now feels familiar in some way, or whether experiences and relationships from your past are influencing how you respond in the present. At other times, what is happening in your life right now may be where we need to stay.
There isn’t one particular way we have to understand you.
Therapy gives us somewhere to slow things down and stay with what is happening for a little longer. Over time, this can help you develop a different relationship with your thoughts and feelings. The aim isn’t to stop you thinking or to get rid of difficult emotions, but to help you understand yourself more fully and have greater choice in how you respond.
Understanding yourself is different from experiencing yourself differently
There can be a difference between knowing something about yourself and experiencing it differently.
You might know that you are allowed to say no, that you don’t have to keep everyone happy, or that another person’s feelings are not always your responsibility. You may understand that uncertainty is part of life or recognise that a familiar fear belongs as much to the past as it does to what is happening now.
Knowing these things can be important. But knowing them doesn’t necessarily mean they feel true.
This is where the relationship we build in therapy can become an important part of the work.
Most of our relationships involve other people’s needs and feelings as well as our own. We might worry about disappointing someone, choose our words carefully, avoid saying something that could cause conflict, or find ourselves taking responsibility for how another person feels. Sometimes we do this so automatically that we don’t even realise it is happening.
The therapeutic relationship is different. The time is yours, and there isn’t the same expectation that you need to look after me, get things right or present a particular version of yourself. That can give us an opportunity to notice how you experience being with another person when some of those usual expectations are taken away.
And sometimes familiar patterns will find their way into therapy too. You might wonder what I think of you, worry that you have said the wrong thing, find it difficult to disagree with me or notice that there are things you want to say but hold back. Rather than these being problems, they can give us something valuable to be curious about together.
This means we are not only talking about what happens in your relationships outside the therapy room. At times, we may be able to notice and understand something as it is happening between us.
Having a relationship in which there is room to explore these experiences without needing to protect, please or take care of the other person can offer something different. Over time, being met with curiosity, acceptance and honesty may help some of the things you understand intellectually begin to feel more believable emotionally.
Change is not always a sudden realisation or something we can think our way into. Sometimes it develops gradually through being understood, experiencing something different and discovering that familiar ways of relating do not have to be the only way.
Taking the next step
You don’t need to fully understand what is happening or know exactly what you want to change before coming to counselling.
You may simply have a sense that something isn’t quite right, that familiar ways of coping are no longer helping in the way they once did, or that you are tired of trying to work everything out on your own.
We can begin with where you are and, together, become curious about what emerges.
CONTACT ME
If something you’ve read here feels familiar, you’re very welcome to get in touch.
I offer a free, informal introductory call where we can talk briefly about what has brought you to counselling, what you would like help with, and whether I might be the right counsellor for you.
I offer face-to-face counselling in Godalming, Surrey, near Guildford, and online counselling across the UK and internationally. You can use the form below to contact me and I aim to respond within 24 hours, Monday to Friday.
All enquiries are answered within 24 hours, and all contact is strictly confidential and uses secure phone and email services. Find out more by reading my Privacy Policy.
MY LOCATION
I offer face-to-face counselling from Surrey Holistic in Godalming, Surrey, within easy reach of Guildford and surrounding areas. I also work online with adults across the UK and internationally.
FEES & AVAILABILITY
I offer counselling for adults in 50-minute sessions, usually on a weekly basis, at £70 per session.
Sessions are available face-to-face in Godalming, near Guildford in Surrey, as well as online.
I also offer Single Session Therapy for people who would like to focus on one particular issue, decision or difficulty without committing to ongoing counselling.
If you’re unsure whether counselling with me might be right for you, I offer a free initial telephone call so we can briefly talk about what is bringing you to therapy and whether I may be able to help.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Understanding a pattern doesn’t necessarily mean it will immediately change. Some ways of thinking, feeling and relating have developed over time and can become deeply familiar, particularly when they have helped us cope, feel safe or stay connected to other people.
Therapy can help you explore not only where these patterns may have come from, but why they might still make sense for you now.
Overthinking is a broad term for becoming caught up in your thoughts, often trying to work something out, make the right decision or anticipate what might happen.
Rumination tends to be more repetitive. You may find yourself returning to the same conversation, decision or situation again and again without reaching any real sense of resolution.
Both can sometimes be attempts to find certainty or make sense of something that feels difficult emotionally. Exploring what sits underneath the thinking can be just as important as trying to stop the thoughts themselves.
Knowing that something is okay and feeling that it is okay are not always the same thing. Sometimes an emotional or physical response can happen before we have had time to think about what is happening.
A situation in the present may also touch something familiar from earlier experiences or relationships, even when we cannot immediately see the connection. Therapy can help us become curious about these responses and understand why something may feel so significant, even when another part of us knows logically that we are okay.
It can be confusing when there is nothing obviously wrong and yet something doesn’t feel quite right. Life may look settled or successful from the outside, while internally you feel restless, disconnected or unsure about what you want.
Sometimes these feelings emerge during periods of change; at other times they can invite us to look more closely at whether the life we are living still feels like our own. Counselling can offer space to explore that uncertainty without needing to rush towards an answer.
Finding the right counsellor is personal, and feeling comfortable with the person you choose matters.
You don’t need to know exactly what kind of therapy you need. What may be more important is whether you feel able to talk openly, be yourself and explore things at a pace that feels right for you.
I offer a free introductory call so that you can tell me a little about what has brought you to counselling, ask any questions you may have and get a sense of whether working together feels right for you.
© Michele Atkin
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